AA

Second post, same day but I felt a brief history (part 1) of my madness with the booze is in order.

I went to AA last year. It was terrifying at first. My first meeting was in a group of around 70 people and most of them were scary, hard drinking men.

BUT, they had a couple of speakers at the front and one of them was the most hilarious, warm, funny, gay guy ever. That made me relax a bit. He'd said 'Hello Darl' when I walked in :)

I probably looked like a cat who'd just had an Alsatian's nose shoved up it's nether regions. Funny, how there are things you will never forget. (No. no. no - not the Alsatian's nose but the kind comments - what are you like!?)

Anyway, I had the hangover of all hangovers. I looked like shit and I felt like shit, When you feel like that you hate everyone (you know the drill).

Intimidated and thinking why the f*** are you here you sad cow; I sat there and I reminded myself that I had back-backed around the world on my own for a year in 2004 and that nothing, NOTHING could intimidate me (it's true, but when you are drunk or hungover you doubt yourself). And more importantly I NEEDED HELP. I am so rubbish at that, asking for help.

So that worked for about 5 seconds; when I spoke up and said my name, and that I was an alcoholic and that it was my first time. And that was that.

People clapped, people nodded kindly at me. One came up to me afterwards to say well done. And that was that.

I listened to people's stories. Everyone seems to want to tell their story at an AA meeting. They can't wait. It's like they've been suppressing it all day long. I want to keep mine hidden. The others just nod, waiting for their turn. I'm not sure if anyone is even listening.

It's tough, hearing bad stories. I have never had a problem with empathy. In fact I probably have empathy overload.  I cry at every bad thing. It's hard going at AA meetings when you are like that. I wish I was a hard bastard.